I start today’s entry here because lately all I think about is my mortality. How my time on this Earth is fleeting and I haven’t even introduced myself to very many of you.
Not long ago, I wanted all of you to know me. Making beats was a noble cause that would some day lead me to the life that I’ve always dreamed of. How stupid and Naive was I??? Who was I to attend Seminar after Seminar, Conference after Conference, Internship after Internship…thinking I would get ahead???
My greatest enemy has consistently been the fear of my own success. I struggled. Year after year. City after city.
I met the Immortal Rich Keller, Hi Tek Mike and KNS Tha Engineer and they changed my life…years after we fell out of touch. Sometimes I think - “Dogg, you worry too much” or “You’re too cerebral, they really won’t get it…Nobody cares all they want to hear is thug shit anyway…” And I literally shut down.
For weeks…months even.
During these “shut down” periods…a lot happens. Usually bad things - I get fired from a job, the wife cheats, I move across country (and flirt dangerously with abject poverty or even homelessness) only to find several better jobs that don’t allow me time to sleep (let alone track cohesively). Shit like that…
However, it is worth mentioning, that especially during THESE moments - my desire builds. In the 20+plus waking hours of the day when I’m not scrambling to pick up the few scraps of me that remain in tact - I delude myself. Here’s a drum pattern…a melody…a chorus. And the cycle begins again.
Hell. I’m only writing you today because I happen to be in an odd place in my life. I stand firmly, ahem, “uniquely” planted somewhere between “quarter-life crisis” and “I don’t give a fuck”. To put it short - I’m in a good place to bargain. With my Land Lord. With the Gas Company. With the Water Company…(with every other bill I have). I’m bargaining with my Kids’ school, hey…why not my school too? With my Wife. With my Boss. And…God? Yes. EVEN GOD!!!! We’ll save that pontification for another day.
I re-enrolled in College the other day. Not just because it’s a recession and it’s the “in” thing to do. But because they had an SSL damnit!!!!!!
Don’t you judge me ;p